Make Mine Mike

Nobody likes going to the dentist. Who enjoys being prodded and poked in the mouth, tortured like Dustin Hoffman in "Marathon Man" ("Is it safe?")? Here's a few more reasons I dread seeing Torquemada, DDS:

1. He charges an arm and a leg for my teeth. When I questioned him on why the cost of a cleaning has gone up 20% since my last visit – I don't think gas prices have increased that fast – he cited the rising cost of dentistry. Maybe. Hey, did he redecorate this Beverly Hills office since last time?

2. My company has a lousy dental plan. They allot a small yearly sum of money. Anything over that is out-of-pocket. Which is why I was concerned about the price.

3. The hygienist, like the rest of the staff, is very nice and does a good job, but does she need to go on about how she's taking classes in "personal rediscovery" while I'm under the scraper? I'm a captive audience – I can't change the subject while there's a saliva-sucker-thing in my mouth. So while my gums are getting bored with her sharp implements, my mind is getting bored with her dull stories about "life reawakenings." Sounds like a cult to me. I was concerned that the fluoride rinse was really electric Kool-Aid.

4. They gave Jerry a birthday card and not me. :(