Make Mine Mike

--Hey, this dress shirt’s on sale.
--Yeah, discounted down from mortgage-your-home to eat-Ramen-for-a-month.
--Look, I can’t wear t-shirts every day.
--Why not?
--Jeez, I listen to you, I’ll be cheap and a slob my whole life.
--Fine, buy ‘em, but what the hell do you need those jeans for?
--What? They look good. They fit nicely.
--Yeah, ‘cause they’re 32-inch waist.
--So?
--So, you have how many pairs that are 31?
--A few.
--And what about the 30s? When’s the last time you fit into those?
--Uh...
--I’ll tell you: when you were running 40 miles a week. Now what do you do?
--I dunno...
--Yes you do, lazyboy. You’re down to 15, maybe 20. Which is why your waist is up.
--Look, I’ve been busy lately...
--How long you gonna use that excuse? ‘til you think you look good in jeans that don’t wedgie your ever-growing ass? Listen to me: You’re not thinning your wallet when you can just thin your belly. Put ‘em back. Starting October 1st, you’re in training, fatty.
--Okay, okay! Jeez, you’re a cruel motherfucker.
--I’m just you, Mike.
--I know... This is why it’s best to go clothes shopping alone.
--Right, ‘cause you need therapy, whacko.
--No you do, you neurotic bastard.
--You wanna take this shit outside?
--Yeah, but this time I get to be Brad Pitt; you’re Edward Norton...