Make Mine Mike

Backing out of a tight spot last night, with the car radio blasting, I almost didn’t hear other guy yell, "Whoa! WHOA!" Holy shit. Did I run over a puppy or something? I didn’t feel any bump or bang. No, turns out, I just barely scraped into his sedan. He had the exact same car as me. And now they were completely identical, ‘cause my car reflects me -- all scruffy and full o’ battle scars. I gave his Pristine-Mobile a nice scratch along the side. Fine, dude, I’ll pay for the damages. This is actually good, ‘cause, y’know, I just happen to have all this extra money and no idea what to do with it.

So, feeling excited about solving my cash surplus problem, this morning I went for a nice run along Palisades Park. It was beautiful out -- the sky was clear except for a few pink clouds way out over the Pacific and you could see all the way up to Malibu. I had plenty of time to enjoy the view since I was lugging my ass like a sloth on sedatives or a cooter on codeine or a dastard on dope or a... well, you get the idea. The aging New Wave hippies practicing tai chi in the park seemed to be doing that slo-mo fly swatting routine faster than me.

Still, I felt good when I got home, and decided to look good, even if it is casual Friday. My face didn’t have to be as scruffy as my car. But I gotta remember not to shave after exercise -- see, Mikey’s tender heart’s still a-pumpin’ strong. Improved circulation is great when it’s within your body, but when you nick the skin and give the capillaries an open-air outlet, well, thar she blows. It was like a friggin’ faucet, blood trickling outta my chin, turning my sink into a polka-dotted mess. It wouldn't stop. Yes, I ran cold water on it. Yes, and an astringent. And a whole roll of toilet paper. Pressure on the wound? Try 500 pounds per square inch. I thought I was gonna press my jaw back into my skull.

I showed up to work late after giving up a few pints of B positive. And even though I’m feeling a bit drained of blood – and cash -- I’ll still be positive... ‘cause I learned a lesson from all this: If you wanna avoid scratches on a car, don’t run your radio too loud. And if you wanna avoid scratches on your face... well, just don’t run.