Make Mine Mike

You're in line at the supermarket just to buy a lousy box of cereal, but grandma's arguing up at the register. She's got an expired coupon for Grey Poupon, and you just wanna get your Froot Loop on... so what do you do to kill time before you kill the old-timer? You check out the tabloids at the checkout. Celebrities are getting fat or anorexic -- overeating, spousal-cheating, acting fickle and slipping nipples... And then you spot Weekly World News. Ah, the last holdout for journalistic integrity. The Fourth Estate at its finest. The place to go to learn about Bat Boy, Elvis sightings, Hitler clones and vampire hamsters.

I was briefly employed by this brilliant newspaper, roaming the globe for bizarre tales. My freelance stories didn't get picked up at first. For some reason, they chose not to run the following headlines:

GAMBLING RATTLESNAKE WINS $50,000 IN VEGAS

HELL FREEZES OVER -- AND ICE FISHERMEN REEL IN SATAN!

"MY TELEVISION SET ONLY PICKS UP ALIEN GAME SHOWS!"

But finally, my scoop made the presses... helping to make that line at the register more than just a place to contemplate buying an extra tin of Altoids.

(Click the image to enlarge it.)

BIGAMIST WEDS SIAMESE TWINS IN BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE

Capetown, South Africa -- Claire Bullock was shocked to learn that her husband Ron was two-timing her -- and three-timing her -- when he married Siamese twin sisters!

"He's on the road so much, I always feared he'd have an affair," said a distraught Claire of her truck-driving husband. "But I never expected this."

Ron fell in love with Nikki and Karen Stafford when he first met the conjoined pair, who work together at a weighing station in Port Elizabeth. He soon proposed to each of them, and a week later, placed a wedding ring on Nikki's left hand -- which is Karen's right.

Attached at the waist, the twins share one arm and several vital organs. So for them, sharing Ron as a husband is no big deal.

"Nikki loves Ron's romantic side," giggles Karen. "And he makes me laugh."

Nikki adds, "He likes to get between us and snuggle. Ron says he loves his 'Sweet Stafford sister sandwich.'"

Nikki and Karen declare that "Big-Rig Ron," as they call him, needs two women to keep him happy. But not three. They insist that he leave his first wife and stay in Port Elizabeth.

Back in Cape Town, Claire refuses to let that happen. She threatens to have her cheating husband arrested for bigamy if he doesn't divorce the twins. "I want Ron all to myself, or I want him in jail," she announces.

Ron is hoping to keep on truckin', never playing favorites. "Claire is wonderful," he explains, "but with Nikki and Karen, it's like love in stereo.

"Maybe somehow the four of us can work this out."