Make Mine Mike

...And we take you to Round 4 of the Primal Primate Prize Fight: Michael versus Thelonious Monkey.

Felonious Thelonious has proven his worth in the Thrilla in Manila against a gorilla. Instead of a rope-a-dope, he gave him the ol' ook-a-duke and won the title. But as you may remember, Michael has been in the ring with the ring-tailed lemur. And in the Rumble in the Jungle, he easily harangued the orangatan.

And now Michael plans to shock to the monkey. Spank him, too. The challenger jeers at his simian opponent, not afraid of Thelonious' right. Will the chimp be the champ or the chump?

And -- Babboon! -- the monkey shines him with the left! Talk about gorilla warfare! Michael tries to say, "Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty--" but he's less articulate than Koko the Gorilla. Guess he's not takin' the punches as well as he's gibbon. The ref gives him a standing-ape count, but decides to call it a TKO -- Thelonious Klobbers Opposable-thumb-boy.

During the post-fight publicity shot, Thelonious -- declaring he's handsome, elegant, intelligent, sweet; he's really ideal -- shows a lack of sportsmanship (and perhaps evolution), trying to wedge his furry fist in the human's face. Asked how he felt about the curse of the monkey's paw up his nose, Michael shrugged. "Hey, at least it wasn't a banana in the tailpipe."