Make Mine Mike

Just some of the crapola on and around my desk... or 25 reasons I can never get any work done
1. Three yo-yos -- one sleeps, one glitters, one glows in the dark. I stink at all three of ‘em.
2. Three harmonicas -- key of G, key of A, and chromatic key of C. I’m better with the yo-yos.
3. Wind-up robot from Wound & Wound Toy Company on Melrose. Danger, impulse buyers, danger!
4. Brass camel I got from an Arab suq in Jerusalem (suq is a good Scrabble word). They didn’t have any brass monkey. (That funky monkey!)
5. "I’m Just a Bill" action figure. "Oh, no!" "Oh, yeah!"
6. Rene Magritte reassemble puzzle. It’s not solved, ‘cause that wouldn’t be, y’know, surreal.
7. Captain & Tenille button, who appeared years ago at the city fair in Northridge, taking away the town's previous claim to fame, the 6.7 earthquake of 1994.
8. Framed cast photos of "What’s Happening!" Ooh, I’m tellin’ Mama!
9. Over two dozen different reference books -- dictionaries, thesaurusesuses... (slang, foreign language, rhyming, geographic) Now I can tell you the capitol of Uzbekistan, and describe it French, Spanish, hip hop, hipster/noir, Cockney... and come up with a buncha words that rhyme with "Tashkent".
10. Simpsons action figures, including large Ralph Wiggum doll (with finger up his nose). "Smell you later forever!"
11. Several books on beating the casinos at craps. As soon as I perfect my system, I’m gonna win it all back in Vegas, baby.
12. Mr. Potato Head, Silly Putty, Slinky, and other toys from an old birthday gift. See, it was supposed to be ironic -- kids’ toys, even though I’m supposedly not a kid anymore... yeah, ironic, that’s it...
13. Brochure for surf lessons I haven’t taken yet. Just another 10 years in LA, and I’ll get around to it...
14. Unused coupons to Burke Williams. Here’s the thing: Best part of a girl giving you a massage is the anticipation of what it’ll lead to. Maybe I’ll redeem ‘em soon... I love happy endings...
15. Desktop globe. Which is good in case I need to confirm what the large floor globe says, and the wall map or 3 atlases are wrong and my National Geographics are part of the conspiracy...(yeah, right, "Tashkent")
16. Best of the Net list of websites. Published before the dot com crash. Now this phone-book tome could be cut down to the size of a pamphlet.
17. Receipt for purchase of cigarettes from overseas. Mom won’t quit, and do you know what a carton costs at Von’s? Twice the price from Russia. Worth the wait, da.
18. Cufflinks made from old NYC subway tokens. Very cool... but me, wear a suit? Fuggedaboutit!
19. Decorative pill boxes full of foreign coins. Recent money fluctuations killed their exchange value. Still, I’ll keep my tuppence, to feed the birds.
20. Huge pile of old keys. Opening my old apartment in New York, my old ’76 Buick Skylark, and the Secret Wondrous Chamber of Mystery. Ahh, but which key is which...?! That's the mystery.
21. Chinese balls. I mean those metal orbs that make a sound when you rotate them in your hand... didn’t castrate Deng Xiaoping.
22. Film calendar for American Cinematheque at the Egyptian -- Marx Bros. Film Festival! "Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African Explorer. Did someone call me schnorrer?"
23. Expensive underwater camera (broken). Great for the beach; supposed to be waterproof. And it is. But if sand gets in it, you’re fucked.
24. Wine House catalog. I'll buy some nice chardonnay and chianti... as soon as I finish all my cheap Scotch and tequila.
25. Stack of cartoons I oughta scan in and make a more interesting blog entry than this friggin’ stupid list.