Make Mine Mike

Sometimes, especially around this time of year, when people find out I’m Jewish, they start asking really stupid questions.

“Oh, you're Jewish? So when do you people celebrate Christmas?”

Uh, when pigs fly, or they become kosher, whatever comes first.

It really surprises me what some people don't know. I had this friend who asked me, "What's that Hanukkah thing all about?"

I should mention that my friend's name is Joshua Shapiro. I said, “Josh, I went to your Bar-mitzvah. What happened to you? Your foreskin grew back or something?”

But then I sometimes meet fellow Jews who know everything and wanna share it with me like we're talking in code or something.

"Oy, vays mier, I had schmutz on my punim, my talis was a schmatta, the mischbucha's dovening, and this altercocker lubivatcha's giving me tsuris."

I'm like, what? Why are you talking like Jackie Mason?

"Bubbalah, it's like the Hagaddah says: Mah nishtanah ha leilah hazeh. Abbay gazunt?

I usually just look at them and say, "So, when do you people celebrate Christmas?"