Make Mine Mike

My cellphone rings. It’s this runner friend of mine. Once, a long time ago, I considered dating her but we didn’t have much in common, she had more baggage than Samsonite and the main thing: wayyy too ditzy and not worth the aggravation… Still, she’s very sweet and I hadn’t spoken to her in a while. But when I answer, there’s no catch-up, she just launches into her usual babbly self:

“Michael, can I tell you… I run or bike or swim every day. I consider myself to be, like, in really good shape… I mean, I’m always, y’know, doing exercise and I mean…”

“Uh huh. I know,” I say.

“But right now every muscle is aching. I’m so sore. I mean, I’m so sore, like, y’know?”

“Oh yeah? What happened, you get lucky last night?”

“Well, yeah,” she says. “The other day, I mean, it was. Right? And yeah, I mean, I guess I feel kinda lucky about it and… So, I mean, yeah. Don’t you? I mean…”

There was more stammering like this. She can go on for a while without saying much. I finally interject. “Do you know who you’re calling here?”

“Michael.”

I say yeah, but give her my last name, too.

“Oh. My. God. Ohmigod. I can’t believe I did that. His name is Michael, too. I guess I had him down as Michael and meant to call him, but instead I speed-dialed you. I haven’t had sex in over a year and I finally did, and I guess now you know about it. I make all sorts of mistakes with my cellphone. I blew it last time with this other guy ‘cause I was talking to him and then my mom called in and I accidentally conferenced her in with him, and was talking about the guy to my mom and he heard all about it, and I guess he didn’t like what I said, so, yeah, I blew it that time. And then this time -- the first time I’ve had sex in over a year -- and I tell you all about it. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I’m happy for you. And the other Michael.” I meant it. Shit, she’s got a nice body from all her exercise, but… My poor namesake’s gotta put up with that craziness…

“So. Uh. What’s happening with you?” She says, “Uh… have you had sex in the last year?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, not too long ago. But the soreness has worn off by now.”

“Oh. Okay. Good. So, uh, hey, you wanna run that 10K next weekend?”

“Maybe. I’m at work now, so lemme call you later about it.”

“Okay. Oh god, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Really, it’s understandable.” I tell her, “Michael’s a very common name. But to avoid this in the future, maybe you should put each person into your cellphone with a unique label.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s a good idea. Okay, I’ll talk to you later…”

I hang up and look at my cellphone. It says I had been on for 4 minutes and 32 seconds with “Ditzy McBabble”.