Make Mine Mike

We were alone, finally. Naked, rolling around in my dorm room... Jill’s sexy short blonde hair all tousled, her angelic face flush and those thighs -- those luscious legs that first got my attention back during freshman orientation -- were spread, inviting…

I wish I could remember that moment even better, but the blood was rushing away from my brain, fast. Before I completely lost my mind, I took a moment to fish out a condom…

"No, wait," she said. I stopped and looked at her. She sat up and kissed me, said it was too soon. "Let’s have something to look forward to."

On one hand, I understood. We’d only been dating a week or two. We had jumped into bed pretty quickly.

But that was only because it was our first opportunity for complete privacy. My roommate would be gone all day -- a fact I casually-but-clearly mentioned, especially because her roommate was always around. And up ‘til then, my physical contact with Jill was always public displays of affection around campus. She was a California girl, which seemed exotic to a New Yorker like me, and as I showed her the local sights, we copped a feel whenever we could. Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb? Our hands up each other’s shirts when no one was looking…

Who knew when we’d get another chance to be alone? Timing is everything…

Jill wasn’t ready though, and I wasn’t going to pressure her. She left to go do that thing people do in college… uh, I think it was called "attend classes" or maybe -- what’s the word? -- "study"? Yeah, I really oughta try that…

But I couldn’t concentrate. I hadn’t expected to end up pounding the books.

Well, I did have the room to myself. The rocket in my pocket needed to burn off some fuel. Might as well make it a solo flight… But I’d had barely gotten into orbit when I heard a knock on the door.

My roommate was gone, but my suitemates were still around. I wasn’t worried about anyone bursting in -- the door was locked -- but I heard in a deep Southern accent:

"Heya Mahhk…"

Heath. Rich prep school kid from ‘tlanna, Jawja. Pissing away Daddy’s money, his G.P.A. and brain cells from doing so much drugs. Like Eddie Murphy’s girl, Hedonistic Heath wanted to party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime…

I will say this for him, though. He wasn’t exclusive in any way. Heath encouraged everyone to party with him. Whether they wanted to or not.

He’d slam against my door at four in the morning. And when I answered, groggy and snarling -- what the fuck?! -- Heath would stand there with a goofy grin on his face. "Oh, I’m so glad yer awake! I took some shrooms, so I was shrooming, and then I took some X, so I was exxing, and then I had some Jägermeister, so now I’m just Jä-- uh, Yay-- uh…"

I just stared at him. "Fucked up?"

"Yeah." And then he’d collapse on the floor, passed out.

That afternoon he’d been smoking pot, and now he and his chronic crew had the munchies. He shouted through the locked door. I wasn’t about to get up and answer this time. I was kinda busy.

"Heya Mahhk, we’re goin’ down to Koronet Pizza. Wanna go?"

"No thanks."

"You sure? You don’t want a slice?"

"No."

"No, you’re not sure? Or no, you don’t want a slice?"

"Go away!"

That seemed to do the trick. I eased back into the business at hand. It was kinda like that scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool, dripping wet, and says "You know how cute I always thought you were…" except this time it was Jill in the red bikini, and as she takes off her top, exposing those perky nipples, she opens her mouth and says,

"Heya Mahhk, you comin’ or what?"

"No! Dammit, Heath! I’m… trying to study. Would you fuck off already?!"

"Oh. Well, uh, you want me to bring you back a slice?"

I was about to reprimand him some more… but I had worked up an appetite and Koronet sounded pretty good. They made these giant slices, with the spices baked right into the thin crust… "Yeah, okay," I said.

It got rid of him and allowed me to do my thang. Just as I was slipping into a nice post-coital coma, the phone rang. Fuckin’ Heath couldn’t even make it one block down the street without bugging me about that damn pizza?

I grabbed the phone. "Pepperoni!"

"What?" It was Jill.

"Sorry. Thought it was someone else."

"Oh…" She sounded sad.

"What’s wrong?"

"I dunno… I just… I dunno, I think maybe I’m homesick."

Now, I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy. I believe I could probably grasp any intellectual pursuit if I really tried. I just don’t usually try. Which is why I never did well in organic chemistry, couldn’t solve Rubik’s Cube, and this blog’s template is so ugly -- one of these days I will read up on HTML… But I have tried to figure out women, and concluded that quantum physics is easier to comprehend. I guess men and women will always have trouble understanding the opposite sex, but I can’t help but feel particularly short-bussed on the subject. However, this was a rare moment of clarity for me.

I knew Jill wasn’t homesick. I had asked her once if being 3000 miles from her family was difficult, and she had shrugged; it wasn’t even an issue. Now she was using that concept as an excuse. Jill had been feeling just as sexually frustrated as me and needed a reason to call and finish what we had started.

As if to confirm my suspicions, she said, "I don’t feel like being alone right now. Can I come over?"

Of course I said sure. Gotta strike while the iron’s hot. Timing is everything.

But I was a bit concerned. The recent eruption of Mike St. Helens was pretty draining. Nah, no problem. It would just mean a little extra concentration. And with an audience, there was no way my volcano would be dormant.

So, soon, as my pals the Beastie Boys would say: I got lucky, I brought home the kitten / Before I got busy, I slipped on the mitten… I forget the next verse -- again, the blood rushing away from my brain -- but I know it wasn’t what I heard at that moment:

"Heya Mahhk!" Hedonistic Heath was back. "I got a big slice of Koronet for ya."

"Okay, thanks. I’ll get it later."

"Well, if I leave it in the kitchen someone else will eat it. Tell ya what: I’ll put the plate down here by your door, okay?"

"Fine!" I was shouting over my shoulder, thinking how I was gonna kill this cock-blocking motherfucker and -- And, dammit, the blood was rushing back to my brain. I was getting loose in the latex, if you know what I mean…

I turned back to Jill, who had never looked so sexy. My Phoebe Cates fantasy didn’t even do this moment justice. I was ready to go again and -- can you guess what happened?

"Heya Mahhk, don’t forget ya got a nice hot piece out here!"

I got one in here, too, ya dumb fuck. I was about to spell it all out to him, but at this point, it felt like the guy was right there in the room with us. I just wasn’t in the mood anymore. I apologized to Jill, and told her, well, I guess we still have something to look forward to…

Only that moment never came. Things just kinda fizzled out between us. Maybe because of that incident. But that was probably a sign that wasn’t meant to be. Our relationship had been mostly physical; if it was stronger than that, we would’ve gotten past this.

And like I said, timing is everything. If I had still been dating Jill, I wouldn’t have met another woman who became my girlfriend for a couple of years, and at the time, the love of my life. Our relationship wasn’t purely physical, though that aspect of it was great, too, even when Heath interrupted us ‘cause he was on a bad acid trip or left his roachclip in my room or some shit…

Oh, and speaking of that hedonistic hophead, he was right: That slice of Koronet pizza was delicious.