Tuesday, July 12, 2005


Five ways I've heard "Motherfucker" overdubbed for television:
1. Mother-grabber
2. Mickey-fickie
3. Monkey-flyer
4. Money-frogger
5. Molly-folly

Five wonderful quotes from wonderful ex-girlfriends:
1. "Oh... you misunderstood. When I said 'I love you'... I was talking to my dog."
2. "What are you thinking? And what are you thinking now? Aw, c'mon don't just say you were thinking about me. Really, what are you thinking?!"
3. "Wait, who are these people you're talking about? 'Condeleeza Rice'? 'Karl Rove'? Did we go to the movies with them last week? What?! Sorry, I forgot your friends' names!"
4. "My last boyfriend complained that I wasn't very good at giving head. And maybe I wasn't. I mean, but he was no one to talk, he wouldn't even go down on me. And I went on the pill for him, but it made me really fat, and then he didn't want to sleep with me, which made me wonder why I went on the pill in the first place so I gave him a blowjob and he complained but when it was my turn he said my down there it was like..."
5. "My dad works in waste management."

Five cities I'd like to visit, simply 'cause I like their names:
1. Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania
2. Blue Earth, Minnesota
3. Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine
4. Elephant Butte, New Mexico
5. Hicksville, New York
Actually, I lived near the last one. Shoot, weren't no thang.

Five music videos that are great...*:
1. Jessica Simpson "These Boots Are Made for Walking"
2. Shakira "La Tortura"
3. Gwen Stefani "Hollaback Girl"
4. The Black Eyed Peas "Don't Phunk with my Heart"
5. Eminem "Ass Like That"
*...with the sound off.

Five ways I waste $:
1. Dry-cleaning. I send out my regular cotton button-down shirts for laundering too. 'Cause I hate ironing. And I never do a good job. I figure the cash I spend at Mr. Martinizer is equal to the hour I'd spend trying to de-wrinkle 'em myself, and I still end up looking like Rumplestilskin.
2. Coffee. Believe it or not, I'm trying to quit. Haven't been to Starbucks or anywhere in nearly 2 weeks, and I've weaned myself down to just a half a cup in the morning. But, out of habit, I still buy at least 3 cans of espresso every time I go food shopping. In case my decaffeination plan doesn't last, I got plenty of java for the relapse.
3. Strolling down to Book Soup at least once a week and tempting myself with more fiction, coffee table books and reference guides that I really don't need. I bought some crime novels, The Synonym Finder and All-American Ads from the '70s. Hysterical. Side-splitting. Hilarious. Uproarious. Mirthful.
4. Too many margaritas at the Mexican joint. But hey, it's fajita night, and besides, I think we save money buying 'em by the pitcher.
5. Postage stamps. Which I use only to pay my bills. I just don't feel safe doing automatic payments via the internet. Next thing you know they're screwing up the amount, or worse, stealing my identity. This blog could wind up being written by some mickie-fickie hacker from Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine.


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