Make Mine Mike

Been trying all week to articulate my anger, frustration and sadness about what's happened in New Orleans and the Gulf area. I tried to find a personal, original take on the situation -- thinking about how I was in LA for the riots and the earthquake... but those emergencies really don't compare to this. So I can't say anything. Well, I can, but I feel like it's been said. And then a buncha other things were said. And then others. And then it seemed like Katrina wasn't the only hot winds blowing through the country, so I'll just move on to lighter subjects. I probably don't have an original take on these either, and if so, well, here's my not-so-unique POVs on not-so-heart-wrenching topics:

Movies:
I saw Constant Gardener this weekend. Not bad. Afterwards my friend and I got into a heated debate about the pharmaceuticals (mostly I was told I need to get on meds, to which I replied that I'm perfectly calm, asshole, say I'm imbalanced again and I'll benedryl your skull and rip your motherfucking zoloft), so it wasn't exactly an escape from serious subjects. Yeah, see, it's a thriller that's tied into the evildoings of drug companies. Oh, you thought it was about a guy who just toils in the yard, pulling dandelions and pruning hedges the whole movie? Yeah, so did I. But since it was hippity-hyped, I had to check out this weedwacking flick. Turns out... the title? It was symbolic! Get it? It's like, like, a metaphor, for his like character and shit. Deep.

People need to consult me on movie titles. "Rachel Weisz's Boobies" woulda been a better name for this movie. That's the part half the audience is gonna remember.

Also, I've seen previews for some movie with Reese Witherspoon and that overrated Mark Roofie dude. It's a ripoff of Ghost (which is a variation on Hold That Ghost -- this really fun Abbot & Costello movie where the little guy comes back as a benevolent spirit and they do their "Boo's on first?" routine). Anyway, I can't remember the name of the Mark Arugula movie, except that it's got "Heaven" in the title. Far from Heaven? All Dogs Go to Heaven? Heaven Can Wait? Heaven's Gate? There should be a rule that movies can't have "Heaven" in the title anymore. Ditto for "Wild", "Angel", "Heart" (The Wild Angels, Angel Heart, Wild at Heart). Like I said, they should consult me about the titles. Let's see... Reese is someone that no one but Mark RuffleofftoBuffalo can see. Hey, know what else they're ripping off? Sesame Street! They should call it, "Ruffalufagas & Snuffalufagus".

TV commercials:
I think they finally stopped showing those Burger King "Chicken Fries" spots. The ones with the hard rocking band dressed up with rooster masks, partying with chicks and eating BK's answer to the McNugget. I kinda liked those ads... They don't convince me to buy their product or anything. I would never touch those disgusting deep-fried hen gizzards. But the chickenhead band reminded me of GWAR -- lookin' so ridiculous, ya had to love 'em. That headbanger they performed rocked, too. There was one ad where each "chicken" tried to cross the road to get to the other side, of course, where a hot babe was eating some of the fast food nosh. And then they keep getting hit by cars and feathers fly everywhere, kinda like Frogger, except with cocks. It's the first commercial about cock-blocking.

Snoop Dogg has sold T-Mobile, Sattelite Radio, Girls Gone Wild Videos and now... Chrysler cars? I'm not sure if the dude even makes albums anymore. He's still saying things like "Fo' shizzle, Iacozizzle." Didn't the "-izzle" lose its sizzle years ago? Gone the way of schwing! and bling-bling! You bet your sweet bippy. And somehow... Snoop's still dope, phat and def.

Television:
For someone who's got a TV gig, I barely watch any of the boob tube. People tell me about their favorite shows: "Lost", "Desperate Housewives", "24"... they sound okay, but I can see why reality TV isn't going away anytime soon... I tried to get into "Gilmore Girls" 'cause Lauren Graham's hot, and almost convinces me when she machine-guns out that snappy committee-of-twenty-Hollywood-hacks banter... but when that doe-eyed doornail who plays her daughter does it...I'm done.

Even cable wasn't grabbing me. "Deadwood", "Six Feet Under"... what's with the death themes? Anyway, I had gotten rid of HBO, waiting for the Sopranos to come back. Still waiting... By the time next season airs, Tony Soprano and his mob are gonna be living in the old folks' home, running bets on the shuffleboard tournament and strongarming the undertaker for a graveyard plot overlooking Satriale's Pork Store. See? There's that death theme again.

But "Entourage"... had I known about this brilliant show, I would've upped my cable service... Just hearing storylines described to me, I had to see it. So I watched a marathon of episodes this weekend, and was falling on the floor laughing through the finale. Part of the fun is recognizing the sites -- that Coffee Bean at the Sunset Plaza...I used to go there before they moved it next to Tower Records; hey, I think I've been to that house in Malibu; yeah, it's true, no one who wants to be "seen" would be caught dead in that Hamburger Hamlet. But more so, I enjoy recognizing the characters -- Jeremy Piven deserves an Emmy for his role as the uber-agent you love to hate and hate to commission. But cool characters like Aqua-Man-to-be Vince and his wiseguys pals... friends like those are the perfect refuge from the harshness of LA and lately, an even harsher world.