Make Mine Mike

As if you needed any further proof, here’s…

A Few Reasons Why I’m a Total Geek

• There’s a guy I run into every now and then, and when I do, he extends his arm to greet me. As I go to shake his hand, I realize he’s got his fist out. He wants to do that fist-on-fist greeting. Y’know, where two guys touch knuckles instead of their open palms. It looks kinda cool when others do it but I always feel awkward at this act of male camaraderie. I looked it up; some call it a dap, but that could also stand for double anal penetration, so perhaps that's why I'm hesitant. I’ll give you a firm handshake, maybe even a warm hug, but I can’t seem to master the “Wonder Twin Powers Activate!” thing. I imagine punching fists would hurt, but I don’t wanna be wimpy about it either. And are our knuckles supposed to be lined up? Or do we connect at the space between the joints, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle? And if so, whose pointer knuckle goes on the outside? Ultimately, I think the most important question is: Can’t we just nod and say hi?

• Yesterday a girl caught me checking out her boobs. But I quickly explained that I was just admiring her T-shirt. I mean, she did have a nice rack and all, but it was covered by a flashy retro-style cartoon print. She smiled and said, “Yeah, ‘Underdog’! He’s cool, huh?” Yes, but that wasn’t really why I was staring. I knew there was an anagram of superhero’s name, and as the word “grounded” came to me, I realized I’ve been playing too much Scrabble and Literati lately.

• I’ve memorized things as a kid, and they’ve become mantras in my head long after their usefulness. For example, a name game to get to know the new students in junior high school was fun, but now, do I really need to be able to list all the kids in my 7th grade English class? And from my math classes, I thought solving quadratic equations would be easier if I knew the square roots of all integers up to ten. I’m not looking this up as I tell you that 2 is 1.414213562, 3 is 1.7230508, and 4 is… uh… One of the more fond memories stuck in my brain is a list of commuter stops on the Long Island Railroad. Maybe I enjoy hearing it because it meant I was going home, or maybe I just liked the conductor’s NY accent as he declared, “This is the 7:15 train to Ronkonkoma, making stops at: Jamaica, Hicksville, Bethpage, Farmingdale, Wyandanch, Deer Park, Brentwood, Central Islip and RrrrronKONkoma!”