Make Mine Mike

DESPITE RUMORS, MICHAEL DENIES EVER USING BLOGGER-ENHANCING STEROIDS

Santa Monica, CA -- Asked to discuss the recent slow-down in his site-traffic and comments, Michael offered several explanations. But he emphatically insisted that it's not due a sudden end to popping popularity-pumping drugs.

"I've never used those things, even back when the gravatar hormone was legal," said Michael, speaking at an imaginary press conference at the Coffee Bean on Wilshire Boulevard. "I hadn't even heard of Haloscandrotine until they banned it from Major League Blogging."

Still, many are skeptical, pointing out that the writer used to average double the comments per post and three times as many daily visitors as now. Critics attribute the higher numbers to a former regimen of injecting entries with anabolic anecdotes, photo-fueled galleries, readership-roping rhymes, and the occasional creatine-crammed cartoon. Since then, the Santa Monican scribe has been slipping.

"Hey, I've still got my alliterative skills," Michael said.

Things are slow throughout the community, he added. "This is a new dead-blog era. Like in early '04. Don't worry. Things'll pick up. Next thing you know, it'll be like late '04."

Michael defended his recent writing choices, that before being traded from the day job to a more suitable franchise, he wanted to get in some last-minute entries about his old teammates. "I wasn't trying to be Dilbert with the office-related cartoons," he explained. "But when would we ever again see a picture of me and our old mascot, Pudge?"

Most fellow site-surfers refused to weigh in on the controversy, but one anonymous blogger claimed that upon meeting Michael face-to-face, "he seemed to be on something. Like he was all flickred up. Mike claimed it was just coffee, but I know a Google-head when I see one."

Whether it's a lack of entry-enhancements or simply daily diary-blogging jitters, Michael isn't too concerned about the drop-off. He stated that he is enjoying Spring Training and his week as a free agent. He won't promise higher traffic, but assured that future posts will not cover such subjects as site traffic, or his former place of work.

New rumors surfaced that discussing the day job on the internet was perhaps the reason Michael had to quit, ironically leaving him for the moment without a subject about which to blog. But the temporarily-unemployed writer concluded his press conference by buying a double espresso and issuing this final statement:

"I was never Dooced or juiced."