Make Mine Mike

Mayday. Man, it’s been a rough month. Life sure ain’t easy for Mikey.

When I’m done doing my own thing in the morning, I have a whole 5 minute commute to work, where I spend all day in an editing bay watching rough cuts of our TV show, making decisions with the post-production team on what’s the best footage and the funniest way to put it all together.

Last week we moved offices back to the network, so as I waited for my desk and computer to be set up, there wasn’t much to do but go around to all the cute associate producer women, to discuss work of course. Or go out in the field on their shoots and consider production values with the film crew while chowing down on catered lunches and craft services.

Plus now that we’re more accessible at the office, and I made some creative suggestions a couple of times, they’ve asked me to sit in on the show concept meetings. So on top of writing silly voice-over lines and collecting information about the weirdest places our cast members have had sex, I gotta spend an hour a week brainstorming ideas on whether it’s more visually appealing to do an episode about bungee jumping or crocodile hunting. I suggested bungee jumping into a pit of crocodiles.

Feeling bad for me yet?

Wait -- there’s more. (Warning, this is rated R for raunchy here.)

Word got around about a racy lesbian episode that had just wrapped. Sometimes the gay and lesbian shoots can be kinda risque, but this one reportedly topped them all. Or should I say bottomed? The rumors revolved around a cast member showing off one of her special abilities. The people who come on our show are encouraged to display their unique talents. Some can sing or rap or are double-jointed or can wiggle their ears. This young woman pulled down her pants and masturbated until she squirted.

So I was told. There’s often a week’s delay between production and post, so I only heard the story as it spread like a rash. By the time our staff meeting took place, the exec. producer gently reprimanded everyone. That while we don’t like to discourage cast members from, uh, doing their thang, whatever that may be, this particular act could’ve made other cast members uncomfortable (thought it didn’t -- the others loved it), and besides, of course we can’t air anything like that. And while people working on our show have the right not to view the footage, there is a peer-pressure factor and some got “tricked” into witnessing it (i.e., being told “you gotta see this!” without any warning about content). Although we’re really laid-back and yet cutting-edge at our job, it’s still a corporation, and we need to act professionally.

Of course, the EP was right. And of course, I told the editor assigned that episode that he had to let me view that famed footage.

Honestly, it didn’t live up to the hype. Turns out the girl was a porn star and the whole thing wasn’t erotic, just sleazy. I had heard that this same chick appeared on a famous talk radio show, did the same thing, only with more -- what’s the word? -- squirtasticness. And considering the shock jock host is a notorious germophobe, he was hardly pleased with her love juice tainting his studio.

I hope I’ve been specific enough to give you an idea of some of the things I’ve been up to lately, yet vague enough to keep from giving away any trade secrets. It’s a fine line we walk here in show biz.

Like I said: Life sure ain’t easy for Mikey.