Friday, June 09, 2006


Mike: First of all, happy belated birthday.

Satan: Thanks, dude. 6/6/06 was cool.

M: You do anything special?

S: Not this millennium. Just got a hornicure, scarfed down some Devil Dogs, took a Beezelebubble bath in the sulfur swamps, got a nice nitric acid harpoon ready for those Enron guys. Just another day after falling from Paradise.

M: So you didn't see The Omen?

S: No interest. Not after catching the previews. That Damien kid is way too friggin' cute in this version. I prefer the original, with that tyke with the awful ‘70s hair and clothes. Y’know, I was the one who invented the leisure suit line for toddlers.

M: Well, what about all these remakes lately? Hollywood's recycling everything. Is that your handiwork, too?

S: I’m not saying. All I can tell you is it’s no coincidence I go by so many aliases -- Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, An Alan Smithee Film…

M: So, forgetting sequels and remakes, which do you like better -- The Omen or The Exorcist?

S: The Omen was more psychological and had less shock value, except for the decapitation scene and every shot of Gregory Peck’s eyebrows. But Linda Blair was fun to work with. And the craft services were awesome. I loves me some free pea soup.

M: I gotta ask though: Why would Satan possess a little girl? I mean, don’t you have better things to do than spin some chick’s head around?

S: Let me ask you this: Why would Jesus appear in a oil stain in some parking lot on the corner of Bum and Fuck? Those of us duking it out for your souls sometimes have to publicity work. It’s part of the whole press junket.

M: So when you two are promoting… uh, I dunno.. good and evil I guess--

S: Well, maybe just televangelism and mid-season primetime TV replacements.

M: Whatever. Do Christ and the anti-Christ ever cross paths?

S: We know a lot of the same people. A rapper wins a music award, he thanks Jesus. Then he busts a cap in someone’s ass, and I thank the rapper. See how it works?

M: No. Maybe we should keep this about movies.

S: It’s your world, I just stalk here. How 'bout this: You remember that time you saw The Exorcist on the Spanish station?

M: Oh yeah! El Exorcisto.

S: What did the priest say when he was throwing the holy water on the chick?

M: “El poder de Christo te obliga! El poder de Christo te obliga!

S: Notice they use the familiar “te obliga”, not the formal “se obliga”. The messiah is Mephistopheles’ main man, motherfucker.

M: Are you serious? Or are you just playing games with my head?

S: Duh. I'm the Devil.

M: Okay, let's change the subject. Who did a better job of portraying you, DeNiro in Angel Heart or Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate?

S: Please. You mean "Louis Cypher" or "John Milton"? Neither. I prefered the cartoon version of me in that South Park movie.

M: Even though you took it up the ass from Saddam Hussein?

S: Nah, that shit was funny. Besides, we’ll see who gets the last laugh there.

M: You get laid a lot in the movies, don't you?

S: Who else can spawn the son of Satan? But I got an iron-clad nudity clause. Ever since some risque pictures from Dante's Inferno got circulated back in an early printing in the 1300s, I had to be careful.

M: Why?

S: Dude, it's for your own protection. If you ever saw the Devil do full frontal it would mess you up for life. And you thought Janet Jackson's star-nippled boob was nauseating. My three-pronged schlong would make that shit look like Sesame Street painted by Norman fucking Rockwell.

M: Well, I'm glad we didn't catch a glimpse during your sex scene in Rosemary's Baby.

S: Great movie. And Mia Farrow was a nice piece of ass. Me and Frank Sinatra talk about that a lot. I'm sure Woody Allen will join in that conversation eventually.

M: Woody? Really? He's made so many classics. Is he damned because of the Soon-Yi thing?

S: No. It's 'cause his latest movies have sucked. He might win back some points with Match Point. But he's got a lotta redemption to do after The Curse of the Jade Scorpion. I make Joseph Stalin sit through repeated screenings of it on Tuesdays. That Russkie screams like a bitch every time.

M: Man, you're harsh.

S: That's my job.


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