Make Mine Mike

5 RULES FOR OTHERS WHEN I'M RUNNING

1. Runners: If you’re jogging with friends on the path and see me approaching, one of you should dash ahead or behind the others to make room. If you don’t, be prepared for running to become a contact sport. I’ll stop trying to emulate marathoners from Zimbabwe and instead make like Zidane. If you and your friends are going the same direction as me and taking up the entire path, you’ll know if I’m trying to pass you as I come up breathing like Darth Vader. Luke, I am your Faster. Step over to the Dark Side. Or the Light Side. Just step aside, motherfucker.

2. Rollerbladers, skateboarders, razor scooterers: go play in traffic.

3. Bikers: I don’t care if it says it’s a bike path. The sidewalk is hard concrete, whereas the asphalt is softer and gives a little cushioning for us feet-pounding runners who frankly, work harder at exercise than you coasting gear-shifting wimps. So gripe at me one more time and I’ll derail your derailleur and leave you with less balls than Lance Armstrong or that testosterone-taking loser Landis.

4. Cars: Run over the rollerbladers, skateboarders and razor scooterers. Bikers, too.

5. Dog walkers: Thank you for keeping ‘em on a leash. Fuck you for letting the leash extend across the path like a damn tripwire. I’m coming back with pepper spray for the puppy and mace for his master.

In summation: Get the hell outta my way. I’m runnin’ here.