Make Mine Mike

I knew I shoulda kept my personal life personal. My uncle, whom I haven’t seen in a year, called out of the blue to leave me this voicemail message:

“Hey Mike. Congratulations! I heard you're getting married! Your mother told me the news, so… if it's true, great! And if not, well, uh... But I hope it's true...”

So I had to call him back right away to tell him that he was greatly misinformed. No, it’s not true. At least my uncle had recognized the unreliability of his source. But before the rumor spread, I made it clear: Mikey didn’t die from eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda, and he ain’t getting hitched neither.

Then I called my mother. Yes, Mom, I know you liked my girlfriend upon meeting her that one time, and even though you have nothing better to do than grill me -- yes, she hates cats, too, and no, she hasn’t seen The Pope of Greenwich Village yet, but I bet she’ll like it as much as we do -- still, please don’t get ahead of yourself. I couldn't tell if the leap in logic was stereotypical behavior of a Jewish mother, or the brain damage from her stroke (or her medications) caused her to mix up reality and fantasy again.

My sister knows about this all too well. A few months ago, she got a call from our cousin: “How are you doing, Julie?” Fine, my sister said. “No, really, how are you?” Fine. Really. “Julie, c’mon. Tell me the truth.” My cousin started getting angry that my sister wouldn’t open up, like she was in denial, insisting she was doing okay. Julie was annoyed that her answer wasn’t satisfactory for some reason.

The reason was that my mother had called my cousin to say that Julie’s best friend -- who’s become very close with our family -- suddenly died. Not true. Julie’s friend was alive and well. Mom apparently had had a dream about this, and when she woke up, believed it had really happened. I understand her confusion, but wish the ol’ lady would talk to her kids first before freaking out the rest of the family.

My sister and I can’t do much but check on Mom’s meds and otherwise laugh about it. Julie did try to help me, reminding our mother that Mikey and his girlfriend have only been dating a few months. Even though it’s going well, don’t pressure the kid with your wishful thinking. I’m glad at least Julie’s cool with this.

The next day she called to say, “Y’know, I was thinking. If you did get married, your girlfriend would be my sister-in-law. And I’ve always wanted a sister…”

I hung up on her.