Make Mine Mike

I hope I’m not making Adelphia jealous, but I gotta spend my days in a dark room with a lot of attractive young women. And sometimes a buncha dudes, too. Hey, it’s my job.

I’m back at the TV gig, watching footage of our dating reality show over and over, which alters my sense of reality. When I view multiple takes of these people making fools of themselves, long before their wacky episode airs, I almost feel like I know them -- not as intimately as my girlfriend, but enough to give ‘em a shout out when I see them in the real world. Not “The Real World”, but the real real world. You know what I mean.

A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with Adelphia and a few friends -- good conversation, good food (I had the ribs) -- and as the meal came to end, a cute waitress walked past whom I recognized.

“Susan,” I said, and she stopped and looked at me. Susan had no idea who I was. She didn’t know me, and I realized I didn’t really know her. But felt like I did, after spending so much time on a show segment featuring her from last season. Since I was in post, not production, she never would have met me personally. But I knew all about Susan. Anything she chose to share on the show -- her likes and dislikes, her sexual experiences, where she had hidden piercings…

I didn’t mention any of that to Susan. I simply explained to everyone that I worked on her episode and it turned out great. As Adelphia and the others headed out of the restaurant, Susan and I talked for a quick minute. It was too bad she didn’t do better on her date on the show -- she was easily the most likeable of the cast members -- but she said the production was a fun experience nonetheless. Plus I think she enjoyed being recognized, her little moment of celebrity.

As I went up to the front entrance to rejoin everyone, Adelphia saw me stick something into my shirt pocket. “What’s that?”

“Nothing,” I said.

“If it’s nothing, lemme see it.” She stood there defiantly in front of our friends.

Fine. I reached in and fished out a toothpick I had taken from the counter at the restaurant lobby. Adelphia furrowed her brow and asked me why I was being so sneaky about a toothpick.

I shrugged and said I was gonna wait for a moment when she wasn’t looking to clean the back of my teeth. Hey, I just had the ribs. But I didn’t wanna gross her out.

Then Adelphia shrugged. “That wouldn’t bother me,” she said.

“Well then what would?” I said. “What did you think I had in my pocket?”

“I thought that girl gave you her card or something.”

I started to laugh. I put my arm around her and kissed her and assured her that I didn’t want that girl’s number, that I’m not interested in anybody else, that Adelphia’s the only one for me...etc… I meant every word, but I’ll spare you any more mushy details.

What I will tell you is another reason I laughed. I guess Adelphia hadn’t seen or didn’t remember Susan’s show. Because even if I had been interested in Susan, I doubt it would’ve been mutual. The episode she was on was a lesbian date.