Make Mine Mike

Roller derby rocks! Why am I first learning this?

No idea, but here’s...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY ROLLER DERBY ROCKS

10. Any event that makes you sign an indemnity waiver before you go inside has got to be awesomely dangerous. Okay, maybe the venue just didn’t have any insurance, but it’s more thrilling to think that if you show up… you might die.

9. It’s a real sport, with rules and penalties and player positions called Jammers and Blockers.

8. Who cares? It’s also a buncha chicks going fast and beating the crap outta each other.

7. And still, you gotta love the pageantry of it all. The first team on the track was the Sirens, wearing police uniforms with mirrored sunglasses and fake mustaches, skating to “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys. Guess which team I rooted for.

6. The skaters all have puntastic names like Juana Beatin and Amber Alert. Weird coincidence that all these women wound up doing the derby. Their parents must've planned this, right? I mean, you don't name your baby daughter Thora Zeen and expect her to grow up and play badminton.

5. The crowd was eclectic. There were Hollywood hipsters (unemployed musicians and actors), groups of hot-but-harsh mamas (rival roller derby divas), totally-tattooed and facial-pierced people (gangrenous pin cushions) and beer-swiggin' redneck families (Lindsay Lohan and her parents in five years).

4. The alcohol was good and inexpensive. The Lohans had the right idea.

3. The Sirens were easily outmatched by Fight Crew, whose team's theme was feisty flight attendants. ("Non-stop flight to pain. Turbulence and extreme force are expected.") Their squad included the tough Militia Etheridge, the demure-but-deadly Judy Gloom, and the speedy star, Crystal Deth, who seemed way too tiny to be out there, but no one could ever catch that skinny little skater as she zipped around the track and eluded every body check.

2. But the other women weren't so lucky. They'd get banged into the rail right in front of you. This is where I began to wonder about that indemnity waiver. But who could worry about that when sexy skaters in skimpy skirts are flying at your face?

1. I jokingly asked my cute girlfriend if she'd every wear an outfit like that. Adelphia said, "Oh, I've got clothes like that somewhere in my closet. I could dress up like a roller derby girl for you..." What?! Again -- Why am I first learning this?