Monday, February 26, 2007


Santa Monica, CA -- Local film buff claimed his girlfriend subjected him to mental torture all week, forcing him to pay attention to shallow, mind-numbing fashion assessments, which culminated in last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. He insisted he was “systematically losing gray matter to the red carpet”.

Michael, a writer, blogger and self-described “poker shark and badass mofo”, was taken in by law enforcement authorities for making wild-eyed random public outbursts such as, “those shoes don’t go with that outfit!”, “nice fake-and-bake!” and “what the hell is a halter top, anyway?!”

Psychology experts identified Michael’s condition as bringing new meaning to the term “fashion victim”. They stipulated that he’d been mentally flaggelated by the woman he dated -- his girlfriend, Adelphia. One therapist said her fashionista fascism was akin to mixing the Marquis de Sade with Oscar de la Renta.

Issuing a statement inside a strait-jacket, Michael said the sadism started off slowly. He was forced to watch “American Idol” every weeknight, kept captive through characterless contestants continuously crooning off-key. But the worst, he said, was the boring banter from the judges, and his kidnapper’s evaluations of their appearances, which was relentless, despite Michael pleading to change the channel or turn off the TV.

Neighbors reported hearing such exclamations, including: “I don’t care about Paula Abdul’s hairstyle! She wasn’t hot in that ‘Cold Hearted Snake’ video back in the ‘80s and she isn’t any better now! So please don’t make me decide if she’s dressing too slutty. I don’t know!” Other local residents heard Michael begging not to offer an opinion on Simon Cowell’s jowls. “Maybe he got a face lift, maybe not. What do I care?!”

Representatives for Adelphia responded by saying that she has been nothing but generous and considerate to Michael. Last Friday, for example, he utilized her Valentine’s Day gift certificate to get a shave at a luxurious Beverly Hills barber shop. There were attractive women serving him scotch and letting him relax and peruse the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue with Beyoncé, before shaving his stubbly face smooth.

Michael agreed it was a wonderful gift. And, ironically, allowing a stranger to put a straight razor to his neck was less scary than seeing Ryan Seacrest on the television screen. But then, he pointed out, came the pre-Oscar proceedings.

“There was that damn Ryan Seacrest again. And Joan Rivers. And some other low-brow brow-lifted bitches babbling to Jessica Biel ‘bout Manolo Blahnik. No more!”

Yet Michael said his girlfriend wouldn’t give in, going on all night about gowns she regarded as gorgeous or garish. By the time Helen Mirren hit the stage, Michael snapped. He went into a catatonic state, and his colleagues couldn’t believe he didn’t comment on Martin Scorsese’s overdue but undeserved-this-time Oscar win. When asked his opinion, Michael simply muttered, “Marty should really trim those eyebrows…”

Therapists say Michael is making a steady recovery and has learned to forgive his style-minded sweetheart. He hopes to help make Adelphia’s birthday tomorrow a memorable one. But first, he said, he plans to come back from tonight’s poker game and give her an agonizingly boring blow-by-blow account of every hand.


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