Make Mine Mike

ASSORTED CONVERSATIONS WITH WOMEN I KNOW:

My sister was applying to do some work for some government agency. I don’t know all the details, except she said she had to pass some test before getting the job.

Michael: So how’d that test go?
Julie: Okay.
M: You think you passed?
J: I’m sure I did.
M: Good. Was it easy? Or did you just know your stuff?
J: What are you talking about?
M: When we were in school, you had test anxiety, even though you always got an A. I’m glad you don’t worry anymore.
J: Well, I’m sure I peed okay.

**************

In the crowded edit rooms, one of my co-workers looked around as she sniffed the air.

Co-worker: Someone here smells really clean.
Everyone looked at her strangely.
Michael: Clean?
C: Y’know, clean. Like, just really… fresh… and nice.
M: Like… Kate Spade, maybe?
C: Yes! Exactly!
M: (sheepishly) Yeah, that would be me.
Then everyone looked at me strangely.
M: What can I say? You move in with a girl, you get to try lotsa lotions in the shower.

**************

As I helped my girlfriend into my car to go out for dinner to celebrate moving in together:

M: Careful. There’s still a little piece of glass on the seat there.
Adelphia: Did you break another light bulb?
M: Yeah…
A: How many is that?
M: I think 3. All day today, I get 60 watts in my hand and I get 2 left feet.
A: It’s okay. Accidents happen.
M: Well… maybe someday when we’re ready for it… I’ll break a light bulb on purpose.
A: You will?
M: Yeah, by stepping on it.
A: Why would you do that?
M: You know…
A: No, I don’t.
M: Instead of a wine glass…?
A: You mean like they do at a Jewish wedding?
M: Yes.
A: Oh. Ohhh! Sorry, I didn’t know they used a light bulb.
M: Yeah, ‘cause it makes a better sound.
A: I get it.
M: Good.
A: You were trying to be romantic.
M: Yeah, that’s why I don’t do it too often.