Make Mine Mike

ALIENATING ALIASES

• In the tree outside my new place, there are two squirrels chasing each other around, fighting for the territory. I call ‘em “Hamas” and “Fatah”.

• I used to belong to a running group which included two women named Laura. If I mentioned one of them to another friend, they’d always ask which one: “You mean the skinny, stick-like Laura?” And I'd point out that that pretty much described both of them. Then they’d say, “The one with the fake breasts?” So soon the two were secretly referred to as “Booby Laura” and “Sticky Laura”. Until the latter Laura also got implants. I don’t belong to that running group anymore -- too confusing. And distracting.

• Two of my friends are named Dave, and because of their difference in height, I distinguish them as “Big Dave” and “Little Dave”. My other friend Adam calls ‘em “Fat Dave” and “Gay Dave”. That’s Adam for ya -- just gotta be jerky. Not to mention inappropriate: “Fat Dave” lost 40 pounds, and “Gay Dave” married some chick and had two kids. I wasn’t even sure why Adam refered to Little Dave as Gay Dave in the first place, and Adam reminded me that Dave drove a Mazda Miata. Another time I was telling Adam something about Dave and Adam got confused and said, “Fat Dave or Gay Dave”? I told him it was yet another Dave I knew; we could call him “Third Dave”. But that was too innocuous for Adam, and insisted he'd be known as “Third Input Dave”. That’s Adam for ya. I wasn’t offended by the juvenile sexual humor, just confused. Guys have a third input?