Make Mine Mike

I wanted to go to Target. And I was laughed at. Because I never want to go to Target.

I've mentioned before that I hate Target, mostly 'cause I was stuck going with my mother, sister and grandmother, who bickered away as they browsed. But even a foray into Tarzhay with my girlfriend tested the idea that it's not where you are, it's who you're with. 'Cause I love Adelphia; I hate Target.

But she told me they had a sale on mountain bikes.

Since my last bike got stolen, I had spent some time researching how best to replace it. Wasn't gonna drop big bucks on something I might not ride as often as some fucking thief with heavy-duty bolt cutters. And I wouldn't work a used fixer-upper with rusted rims and broken brakes. I enjoyed the Shimano 21 gears like I had before. And those new front and rear shocks seem pretty cool. And disc brakes... How much was it gonna cost to pimp my pedaled ride?

Not much at Target, Adelphia pointed out, showing me their summer sale advertisement. Okay, I said. Let's go.

That's when she laughed. Mike wanted a new bike and Target had one he liked, so now it was worth the hike.

Psyche! Have I mentioned I hate Target? One of the things that annoys me is that those big corporations are run so coldly and without any personnel training or expertise. The bikes weren't well-labeled, and when Adelphia suggested I ask for help from someone in the department, it was my turn to laugh. Yeah, right. As if the moron in this section is actually knowledgeable about sporting goods? C'mon, he just got switched over from the household items 'cause the kid who works in electronics got sick and none of the punks working the mass-produced slogan T-shirt department could fill in for her.

Still, after much aggravation, I got a brand new Schwinn with all the features, at a reasonable cost. Add another 30% to the price tag for several anti-theft devices, and it's still a bargain.

When we left Target, Adelphia noticed there was a Bed, Bath & Beyond in the same shopping center. I muttered that I had never been to that store. She looked at me, shocked. I'd never been to B,B & B?!

Yeah, I've also never been to Chuck E. Cheese's. Or smoked crack, pierced my nipples, sat through the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, been to a NASCAR race or watched a single episode of "The View". And yet, I'm sure I haven't missed anything.

"Oh, c'mon," she said. "We need new linens."

We did? I think she just enjoyed the idea of me patronizing these places, morphing Misanthropic Michael into a common consumer. Or maybe it was the fact that I was one of the few non-females frequenting this franchise.

But there were two or three other guys there. I recognized one of them from work. "Hey Adam," I said.

He looked up. "Oh, hey, Mike." Then he realized where he was. Uneasy, Adam pointed to his girlfriend, as if he owed me an explanation. "We're buying sheets," he said.

I nodded, understanding. Then I indicated Adelphia standing nearby, smiled and shrugged.

"Duvet covers."