Make Mine Mike

Did you catch the long-awaited moment in television last night? No, I don’t mean Britney’s zaftig belly slogging across the stage of the VMAs. I mean the season premiere of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. Not the best episode ever, but you gotta love Larry David devouring a delicious but scandalous erotic cake, and summing it up with “I was just eating some penis.”

And who hasn’t considered justifying missing a party by “accidentally” mixing up the date and showing up on the wrong night? It’s been done to me, and I could hardly be annoyed at my absent-minded guest, but applaud their anti-social ingenuity. That’s what makes that show great -- we can all connect with the curmudgeonness of “Curb”. Nobody can identify with the Video Music Awards. Well, unless they're like Britney Spears and their once hot dance moves are now more reminiscent of that Chris Farley Chippendales routine.

But we have Larry David moments all the time. Months ago, when I was looking for a new apartment to rent, my girlfriend wanted me to check out an open house in the neighborhood. I didn’t really want to check out condos -- but Adelphia said it’d be fun. I pointed out that we weren’t planning on buying -- she said the owners didn’t know that. Most importantly, I had to go to the bathroom -- she somehow convinced me to go see before I could go pee.

The condo was awesome -- high ceilings, huge living room, a sunny garden… and hey, what a nice big bathroom. “Excuse me,” I told Adelphia, trying to shut the door on her.

“Michael, don’t,” she said, hoping the realtor rep couldn’t hear from the other side of the apartment.

“Why not?” I wasn’t gonna make a mess or stink up the joint. I’d be quick and neat and flush afterwards.

“You can’t use the bathroom in an open house.”

“What if I'm just testing the equipment?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Wouldn’t you want to know that the toilet and the plumbing work properly in this condo?”

“But we’re not planning on buying!”

“They don’t know that!”

She gave me a look, so I gave in and held it. But dammit, I really had to go.

Of course, if this were a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode, Larry David would’ve argued his point a lot longer, or gone and destroyed the fixtures somehow. Or someone else would’ve and blamed him for it. See, the whole thing practically writes itself.

And if it were Britney, she woulda done like she did at the OK! Magazine shoot, where she openly relieved herself in the bathroom and let her dog do the same on some expensive clothes and then just stormed out of the joint to later flash her own erotic cake all over town.

Man, how does she come up with this shit?