Make Mine Mike

Late night TV has long been my lullaby. I usually turn in anywhere between 11:30 and 1, and sync my sleep patterns with a serenade from sitcom reruns or other scheduled programming.

I suppose generations of people fell asleep to the Johnny Carson theme, but on the rare occasion I was allowed to stay up late, “Heeere’s Johnny” didn’t knock me out like Rod Serling saying, “You are entering a dimension, not one of time and space but the mind…” Or on New York's WPIX, I believe, they'd air old Star Treks, with William Shatner saying “To boldly go”, which confused me with English teachers trying to futilely tell us it's wrong to incorrectly split infinitives.

For years I zonked out to the opening from MASH or Edith and Archie warbling “Gee our old LaSalle ran great,” but now I seemed to have stifled those memories like some kinda Dingbat.

The Simpsons theme held the number one spot of turning-in tunes for over a decade. At one point, the guitar twang that opened Beavis & Butt-head could’ve won me over for putting me under, but the dumb “heh-heh” laughter would always jar me awake.

As I came to know every episode of Homer and Bart’s adventures all too well, another cartoon show came to the forefront. Thanks to Comedy Central re-animating the animated antics of Family Guy, my eyelids get heavy whenever I hear baby Stewie say “…laugh and cry!”

And now, it’s TMZ on TV. I could chalk it up to research for my silly freelance work, but now I already know the information before it makes it on the air. Vanilla Ice arrested? Got it. Heath Ledger alleged coke use at the Chateau Marmont? Covered that with a similar cynical angle. So if I pass out in the middle of the latest media circus on Robertson Boulevard (by the way, you attention whores, L.A.’s got a million better restaurants than the Ivy), it's no big deal.

What’s scary is I’m starting to have nightmares involving Britney Spears, Harvey Levin and that Prince von A-hole guy who’s married to Zsa-Zsa Gabor.