Make Mine Mike

People love the drama surrounding the swimmers in the Olympics -- the French chick who defected to join her Italian swimming boyfriend, only to get snubbed by Italy and go back with her goggles between her legs, and learn that her former Bambino was doing the breaststroke with her pool-side rival. Not to mention the photos of the freestyling Frenchie without her one-piece.

And then there's Michael Phelps, going for the gold eight times, and just might do it. Most Americans are super proud of him so far. Except Mark Spitz -- seven gold medals and all that pool chlorine musta made him permanently bitter.

But at least it didn't screw up his skin, the way fellow famous '70s Olympiad Bruce Jenner did. What's with these old athletes? They're either bitching about Beijing or spawning Kardashian reality shows.

So who's to say what'll happen to Michael Phelps in 30 years? What I worry about for that kid is his eating habits. Phelps is 6'4" but has trouble breaking 200 lbs., despite the fact that he eats 8,000-10,000 calories a day. Basically, he eats, sleeps and swims. That's livin', I tells ya.

But once he stops his Aquaman existence, he better slow down on the all-you-can-eat buffets, or he'll go from doing the butterfly to needing a forklift.